UBRARV 

UNIVERSITV  OF 
CALIFORNIA 

SAN  DIEGO 


PS 


COLLEGE   CHAPS. 


DIKE    1'ASTED    THE    SOPH    IX    THE    JAW 


Frontispiece 


COLLEGE  CHAPS 


AUTHOR  OF  WEDDING  BELLS,  ETC. 


ILLUSTRATIONS    BY 

HAZELTON 


BOSTON 

THE  MUTUAL  BOOK  COMPANY 
1902 


COPYRIGHT,  1902, 


THE  MUTUAL  BOOK  COMPANY 


I  desire  to  extend  thanks  to  the  Editors  of  the  William 
and  Mary  College  Monthly  and  the  "  Colonial  Echo"  for  their 
courtesy  in  granting  permission  to  reprint  certain  letters  con 
tained  in  this  volume. 

NAT  PB.UKE. 
HAMPTON,  VIRGINIA, 
April  1,  1902. 


Plimpton  press 

PRINTERS     AND      BINDERS 
NORWOOD   MASS. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

A  letter  written  by  a  young  man  to  his  father 
three  mouths  after  entering  upon  his  Fresh 
man  Year 15 

A  letter  written  by  a  young  man  to  his  father 
three  months  after  entering  upon  his  Sopho 
more  Year  25 

A  letter  written  by  a  young  man  to  his  father 
three  months  after  entering  upon  his  Junior 
Year • 33 

A  letter  from  a  young  man  to  his    father   three 

mouths  after  entering  upon  his  Senior  Year    43 

A  letter  from  a  father  to  his  son 49 

A  letter  from  a  father  to  his  son  upon  receiving 

an  itemized  bill  for  clothing  of  the  latter   .     .     55 

A  letter  from  a  father  to  his  son  who  had  been 

elected  president  of  the  Final  Ball  at  college  .     61 

A  letter  from  a  young  man  to  his  father  three 
months  after  assuming  the  principalship  at 

the  Hamburg  High  School 67 

9 


Contents. 

I'AC  K 

A  letter  from  a  young  man  to  his  father  an 
nouncing  his  engagement  to  Miss  Myrtle  Flirt 
of  the  Oriental  Opera  Company 73 

A  reply  to  the  young  man's  letter  by  his  father     .     79 

A  letter  from  Miss  Myrtle  Flirt  to  Mr.  Augustus 

Paine 8-5 

The  diary  of  a  disappointed  young  man  who  failed 
on  his  examinations  during  the  four  days  of 
the  finals 80 

A  letter  from  the  Foot-Hail  M.ui    .  !)•] 


10 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PAGE 

Dike  pasted  the  Soph,  in  the  Jaw    .        Frontispiece. 

In    Love  with    the    Dearest   Girl    in  the  Whole 

Wide  World  72 


I  was  Toastmaster 88 

The  Foot-Ball  Man  *»3 


11 


A    LETTER    WRITTEN    BY   A    YOUNG 

MAN     TO    HIS    FATHER    THREE 

MONTHS  AFTER  ENTERING 

UPON    HIS    FRESHMAN 

YEAR. 


13 


A  LETTER  WRITTEN  BY  A  YOUNG 
MAN  TO  HIS  FATHER  THREE 
MONTHS  AFTER  ENTERING  UPON 
HIS  FRESHMAN  YEAR. 

Dear  Papa,  —  I  am  here.  This  is  indeed 
a  great  place.  We  have  all  sorts  of  fellows, 
and  they  are  a  fine  set,  —  that  is,  the  Fresh 
men  are ;  I  cannot  say  much  for  the  others, 
for  they  seem  to  have  the  idea,  the  Sophs 
especially,  that  the  Freshmen  ought  to  be 
accompanied  by  trained  nurses.  But  we  have 
the  largest  class  in  the  college,  and  if  they 
attempt  any  monkey  business  we  will  show 
them  what  we  are  made  of.  We  are  just  the 
cheese  anyhow.  I  have  joined  the  Philhar 
monic  Literary  Society ;  that  is  considered 
the  best  in  college  ;  and  I  am  on  for  a  decla 
mation  next  Saturday  night.  I  haven't  paid 
my  entrance  fee  yet ;  it  is  three  dollars ; 
please  send  the  amount  by  the  next  mail. 
If  it  is  not  paid  by  the  10th,  I  cannot  vote 
for  the  officers  for  the  Fall  term  ;  and  I  am 
15 


College  Chaps. 

anxious  to  be  in  that  race,  because  I  might 
have  a  chance  to  be  elected  censor  of  the 
society.  That  is  a  great  honor  for  a  Fresh 
man. 

I  am  rooming  with  Vance.  Vance  is  from 
New  Orleans,  and  he  is  considered  the  great 
est  sport  in  the  Freshman  Class.  He  has  the 
finest  pair  of  trousers  stretchers  I  ever  saw. 
I  wish  you  would  give  me  $1.80  to  buy  a 
pair  like  them.  I  would  use  his ;  but  he  has 
so  many  trousers,  that  he  keeps  his  stretchers 
in  use  all  the  time.  He  loaned  me  his  tweed 
suit  last  Sunday,  and  I  was  mistaken  for 
Jones,  the  great  Sophomore  sport,  by  several 
persons. 

The  Sophs  gave  us  a  pillow  fight  last  Wed 
nesday,  and  I  am  suffering  with  a  black  eye 
in  consequence.  Dike,  a  member  of  our  class, 
started  down  town  with  a  cane  last  week,  and 
a  Soph  tried  to  stop  him ;  but  Dike  pasted 
the  Soph  in  the  jaw;  and  now  we  all  carry 
canes,  or  bludgeons,  or  any  old  thing  we 
wish  to.  The  result  was  that  Dike  got  a 
place  as  tackle  on  the  foot-ball  team,  and  his 
name  up  as  a  slugger.  I  know  Dike  very 
well ;  he  came  in  my  room  and  borrowed  nay 
16 


College  Chaps. 

soap  last  Sunday  morning.  I  may  bring  him 
home  with  me  for  the  Christmas  holidays. 

We  have  gotten  our  class  in  shape,  and  are 
arranging  for  a  big  banquet  at  the  finals. 
"VVe  have  hat-bands.  One  night  about  a  week 
ago  we  broke  up  a  meeting  of  the  "  Eveites." 
This  is  some  kind  of  an  organization  that 
considers  itself  something.  They  won't  take 
in  a  Freshman ;  but  we  turned  the  garden  hose 
through  the  window  on  their  grand  council  in 
session.  They  cannot  imagine  who  did  it, 
and  we  are  busily  "winking  the  other  eye." 
There  is  a  fellow  here  from  Texas,  who  wears 
a  big  hat,  and  carries  a  pistol.  The  other 
night  he  got  squally,  and  chased  half  the 
Seniors  out  of  their  domitory.  He  is  the 
wildest  bird  in  the  Freshman  class.  After  he 
had  done  all  of  this,  he  ran  into  my  room  and 
hid  until  morning.  The  faculty  had  him  up, 
and  decided  to  ship  him ;  but  our  whole  class 
went  in  and  put  ourselves  on  a  pledge  for  his 
good  behavior ;  and  he  will  be  allowed  to  stay 
here  until  Christmas.  If  he  goes  home  he 
is  going  to  send  me  a  Buffalo  hide  for  a  rug, 
—  I  hope  he  will  go. 

The   other   night  we  gave  one  of  the  Pro- 


College  Chaps* 

fessors  a  tin-pan  serenade.  While  we  were 
in  front  of  his  house  another  fellow  called  my 
name  in  a  deep  bass,  and  I  was  up  before  the 
faculty  a  few  days  after.  They  gave  me  a 
lecturette ;  but  I  did  not  scare  worth  a  cent, 
—  simply  bluffed  them  a  few  stanzas,  and 
they  let  me  off.  The  next  time  I  will  go  by 
the  name  of  Casey,  or  else  it  will  be  Mud. 
I  hid  Professor  ]VI's  glasses  the  other  day,  and 
the  Freshmen  told  me  I  was  a  bird.  "We  are 

going   in    a   body    to    G- to   witness    the 

State  Fair  this  month.  Eight  dollars  will  be 
needed  for  the  trip ;  will  you  send  it  up  by 
the  next  mail  ?  The  Freshmen  want  to  go  in 
a  special  car. 

We  hung  a  dog  the  other  night  belonging 
to  the  Professor  of  Chemistry.  He,  the  dog, 
kept  hanging  around  oxir  quarters,  so  we  hung 
him  in  a  way  that  he  will  hang  forever,  if 
someone  does  not  cut  him  down.  The  Prof, 
offers  ten  dollars  reward,  but  the  Freshmen 
are  once  more  ahead.  I  am  going  to  join 
the  "  Harkeyes "  in  January.  The  Club  is 
made  up  of  the  pick  of  the  Freshman  class, 
and  the  members  are  at  the  bottom  of  all  the 
mischief  within  the  bounds  of  the  college. 
18 


College  Chaps. 

Dike  is  a  "Harkeye."  They  are  all  fine 
people. 

There  are  some  mighty  pretty  girls  up  here ; 
but  the  older  classmen  will  not  allow  the 
Freshmen  to  visit.  But  the  girls  are  crazy  to 
have  us  come,  and  we  expect  to  give  them  a 
hop  in  two  weeks  in  spite  of  everything.  I 
am  just  learning  to  dance ;  I  have  got  the  step 
very  pat,  and  will  come  out  at  the  hop.  I  am 
not  able  to  two-step  yet,  but  I  have  the  glide 
down  fine.  Vance  taught  me  all  I  know 
about  it;  Vance  is  a  fine  fellow;  he  can  do 
almost  anything ;  his  father  is  a  big  sugar 
planter  ;  he  is  the  fellow  who  has  the  trousers 
stretchers ;  remember,  they  cost  $1.80.  I 
I  have  just  purchased  a  rocking-chair  and  a 
pair  of  bedroom  slippers.  I  look  like  a  coun 
try  gentleman  after  supper. 

Wednesdays  and  Fridays  are  the  nights  for 
our  larks.  That's  when  we  initiate  Rome  and 
she  has  to  howl.  To-morrow  night  we  pro 
pose  to  place  Prof.  R.'s  buggy  on  top  of  Dor 
mitory  X ;  think  it  will  take  the  whole  class 
to  do  it.  There  will  be  a  crowd  in  my  room 
to  discuss  it  to-night.  On  next  Friday  night, 
we  are  undecided  whether  to  duck  the  Sopho- 
19 


College  Chaps. 

mores,  bombard  the  Seniors,  or  lock  the  Juniors 
in.  We  carried  a  fellow's  trunk  down  to  his 
sweetheart's  a  few  nights  ago;  he  was  a 
Junior.  He  had  to  have  it  hauled  back  the 
next  day. 

You  may  think  that  all  this  is  taking  time 
from  my  studies  ;  but  indeed  it  is  not.  We 
do  these  things  and  then  do  our  studying ; 
and  very  often  they  are  all  done  before  our 
lectures  are  prepared  for  the  next  day.  I 
really  forgot  to  tell  you  what  my  studies  are  : 
I  am  taking  English,  Latin,  Mathematics, 
Chemistry,  and  History.  They  keep  me  right 
down  to  hard  work  most  of  the  time,  though 
I  am  getting  along  nicely  with  all  of  them. 
We  play  lots  of  pranks  in  the  Chemistry  Class 
when  the  room  is  darkened  to  try  experiments. 
The  Prof,  came  very  near  having  his  eye  put 
out  the  day  before  yesterday  with  a  bit  of 
chalk  which  I  fired  at  Ben  Winch.  Our 
Math.  Prof,  gives  me  a  cold  rush  four  times  a 
week.  The  English  Prof,  says  I  am  a  bright 
boy ;  I  haven't  corked  in  his  class  this  year. 

I  find  my  Latin  a  regular  cinch  of  the  lead- 
pipe  kind,  though,  as  a  rule,  only  a  third  of  the 
class  make  it. 

20 


College  Chaps. 

I  have  not  been  to  see  your  friend,  Mrs.  B., 
down  town  yet ;  but  will  try  and  get  around 
before  Christmas.  I  have  been  so  busy. 
Haven't  been  homesick  yet. 

Give  my  best  love  to  all  at  home,  and  to 
everybody  in  town.  Don't  forget  about  the 
$1.80  for  the  trousers  stretchers,  and  the 

money  for  the  Society,  and  the  trip  to  G ; 

and  you  might  add  $5.00  for  emergencies. 
Your  loving  son, 

FREDDIE. 


21 


A    LETTER    WRITTEN    BY   A    YOUNG 

MAN    TO    HIS    FATHER    THREE 

MONTHS   AFTER   ENTERING 

UPON   HIS    SOPHOMORE 

YEAR. 


2-3 


A  LETTER  WRITTEN  BY  A  YOUNG 
MAN  TO  HIS  FATHER  THREE 
MONTHS  AFTER  ENTERING  UPON 
HIS  SOPHOMORE  YEAR. 

My  dear  Father,  —  I  am  delighted  to  report 
that  I  am  back  again  at  my  work,  and  have 
about  gotten  down  to  hard  pan  once  more. 
The  boys  gave  me  quite  an  ovation  when  I 
alighted  from  the  train ;  and  in  the  rush  to 
shake  hands  with  nie  they  crushed  the  case 
containing  my  new  plug,  made  on  the  latest 
block.  I  already  see  that  I  am  to  be  quite 
the  thing  up  here  this  session.  Ever  since 
my  arrival  things  have  been  gayer  than  be 
fore.  My  young  lady  friend  told  me  only  a 
few  days  ago  that  I  was  the  sun  in  this  uni 
verse.  My  new  trousers  took  the  place  by 
storm ;  every  fellow  in  college  is  dying  to  get 
a  pair,  but  I  don't  want  them  to  get  too  com 
mon.  I  used  to  think  last  year  that  the 
Freshman  class  was  something ;  but  it  isn't  in 
it  with  the  Soph.  The  Soph  is  a  corker,  and 
2o 


College  Chaps. 

don't  you  forget  it.  I  am  the  youngest  mem 
ber  of  the  Soph  class,  and  I  have  heard  it  said 
that  I  was  also  the  best  looking.  We  have 
organized  the  class.  I  have  been  elected  His 
torian —  a  sort  of  modern  Herodotus,  so  to 
speak.  Our  class  colors  are  pea-green  and 
maroon.  I  have  a  necktie  made  of  that  com 
bination.  I  expect  to  wear  it  home  when  I 
come.  All  of  us  have  blazers  of  the  same 
colors,  and  when  we  blaze  forth  we  are  sights. 
Bill  Sprigs  from  Washington  has  gone  further, 
and  has  an  umbrella. 

The  class  yell  is  unique ;  it  is  this  : 

Hooglum,  Voogly,  Brandy  wine, 
Patsy-watsy,  Baby-mine  ; 
Hocus  pocus,  Ninety-nine, 
T-I-G-E-K. 

Brock  of  Arizona  is  the  designer.  We  just 
put  the  Tiger  in  for  effect ;  that  gives  the  yell 
spring,  so  our  wit  says.  We  practice  that  three 
nights  a  week  on  the  campus,  so  as  to  have  it 
pat  by  Intermediate  Celebration.  The  town 
people  take  these  nights  off  and  do  not  sleep. 
The  Sophs  run  the  town,  and  we  do  not  care  a 
rap  who  sleeps.  We  have  not  selected  a  class 
26 


College  Chaps. 

motto  yet,  but  we  have  a  committee  rumma 
ging  around  through  Xenophon  and  Horace  and 
Virgil  and  the  rest  of  them  to  get  a  suitable 
one.  We  want  a  dandy. 

We  had  fun  the  other  day  after  our  organi 
zation  ducking  the  Freshmen.  We  gave  them 
a  drubbing  they  will  never  forget.  They  are 
insignificant  varmints,  anyway,  those  Fresh 
men.  I  am  glad  I  managed  to  get  out  of  the 
class.  If  there  is  one  creature  on  earth  to  be 
pitied  and  despised,  it  is  a  Freshman.  I 
wouldn't  be  a  Freshman  for  anything  in  rea 
son.  They  have  some  kind  of  a  mob  they  call 
a  class,  but  they  don't  make  noise  enough  to 
let  the  world  know  they  are  living.  Enough 
of  them,  —  I  do  not  believe  in  running  people 
down. 

I  am  taking  great  interest  in  my  English 
this  year.  That  reminds  me  of  the  clubs  we 
have  organized  in  connection  with  this  depart 
ment.  One  is  the  Dickens  Club.  We  read  a 
work  of  Dickens's  every  week,  and  meet  Sat 
urday  afternoon  to  discuss  it.  The  other  club 
is  the  "  Querect."  Every  member  who  makes 
a  mistake  in  English  shall  forfeit  two  cigar 
ettes  to  the  general  fund,  to  be  smoked  by  the 
27 


College  Chaps. 

members  who  make  no  mistakes.  I  think 
both  of  them  good  plans. 

Foot-ball  season  has  just  closed.  We  car 
ried  everything  before  us,  —  played  two  games 
and  won  one.  I  played  tackle  this  year  :  only 
had  two  fingers  broken  in  playing,  —  not  much 
to  be  proud  of,  but  I  hope  to  do  better  next 
year.  My  room-mate  had  his  shoulder  smashed, 
and  has  just  begun  to  run  about  a  little.  It's 
a  jolly  game  ;  teaches  a  fellow  grit  and  endur 
ance. 

I  am  the  greatest  tennis  player  in  college. 
I  am  President  of  our  Tennis  Club ;  that  re 
minds  me  that  the  Soph  German  Club  will 
give  a  small  affair  in  December.  I  am  to 
lead  with  Miss  Fluffy  Bangs.  Would  you 
mind  dropping  around  to  Scissors',  and  asking 
him  if  he  will  have  that  dress  suit  ready  by 
the  13th,  so  that  I  can  shoot  forth  in  Tux's  ? 

I  have  just  been  taken  into  the  "  Hook  and 
Eye  "  Society,  —  a  swell  Soph-Junior  organi 
zation,  —  and  we  are  to  sit  for  our  pictures 
on  the  14th.  I'll  send  you  one  of  them.  Our 
Lit.  Society  will  have  its  Fall  celebration  on 
the  22d,  and  I  am.  to  deliver  the  Soph  ora 
tion  on  "  Monometalism  or  Protoplasm.''  I 
28 


College  Chaps. 

have  put  time  on  this,  and  expect  to  cany  my 
audience  away.  There  are  three  Lit.  Socie 
ties  here,  but  ours  is  it.  All  the  Profs  advise 
the  students  to  join. 

I  think  I  stand  heavy  for  the  Math,  medal : 
I  havn't  been  rammed  at  the  board  this  year. 

I  attended  a  Pink  Tea  down  town  last  night, 
given  in  honor  of  the  "  Eveites,"  of  which  club 
I  am  a  member.  It  was  swell  in  deed  and  in 
truth.  Some  of  the  Profs  were  there,  but 
we  were  too  fast  for  them,  and  chased  them 
in  by  twelve.  Then  we  took  the  town  until 
about  four  A.M. 

I  put  in  a  hard  night's  study  last  Wednes 
day  ;  was  up  until  1  A.M.  in  search  of  A.  B. ; 
worked  so  hard  that  I  had  to  be  excused  from 
lectures  the  next  day. 

I  shall  have  to  go  to  Baltimore  next  week  in 
the  interest  of  the  Mag.,  of  which  I  am  B.  M. 
I  should  have  been  Ed.  in  Chf.,  but  he  is 
always  elected  from  the  Senior  Class.  I  will 
send  you  the  Mags,  as  they  come  out.  The 
articles  signed  "  Eolus  "  are  written  by  me  ; 
that  is  my  nom  de  plume  for  the  year,  and  I 
am  doing  some  very  clever  verse.  I  am  writ 
ing  this  afternoon,  because  I  have  to  attend  a 
29 


College  Chaps. 

meeting  of  the  "  Howlers  "  to-night.  That 
reminds  me :  could  you  let  me  have  twenty- 
five  wheels  by  the  1st  ?  In  ease  R is 

elected  the  "  Howlers  "  want  to  have  the  finest 
float  in  our  college  parade.  Please  send  me 
up  Vol.  IV.  of  the  Encyclopedia  Britannica: 
I  have  an  article  to  prepare  on  Epicurus,  to 
be  read  at  the  next  meeting  of  the  "  Eveites." 
Give  my  love  to  the  folks  at  home,  and  to 
all  inquiring  friends.  Don't  forget  about  the 
things  I  asked  for. 

Your  loving  son, 
FRED  SOMERVILLE  MOORE. 

P.S.  If  my  next  report  is  not  as  good  as 
they  have  been,  you  need  not  be  surprised,  as 
my  eyes  have  been  giving  me  fits  all  the  fall, 
and  I  am  not  at  all  well.  F.  S.  M. 


30 


A    LETTER   WRITTEN    BY  A    YOUNG 

MAN    TO    HIS    FATHER    THREE 

MONTHS  AFTER  ENTERING 

HIS   JUNIOR   YEAR. 


31 


A  LETTER  WRITTEN  BY  A  YOUNG  MAN 
TO  HIS  FATHER  THREE  MONTHS 
AFTER  ENTERING  HIS  JUNIOR 
YEAR, 

Man  cher  Pere,  —  Oh,  the  delights  of  being 
a  Junior.  It  is  prouder  than  being  a  Roman 
in  the  days  of  yore.  The  glories  of  Fresh 
man  and  Sophomore  life  fade  into  insignifi 
cance  when  compared  to  the  Junior.  In  the 
Junior  Class  we  find  no  Freshman  precocity, 
no  Sophomore  boot-licking,  no  Senior  anxiety 
about  degrees.  It  is  the  very  create  de  la 
ci'etne  of  College  life.  We  have  sixty-two 
men  in  the  Class.  They  are  nearly  all  recog 
nized  society  leaders,  —  all  of  them  who  care 
to  be.  More  dignity  is  to  be  found  in  this 
Class  than  in  all  the  others  combined.  The 
members  of  the  Faculty  say  that  we  have  the 
brightest  crowd  of  men  in  the  institution  this 
year.  Junior  sets  the  pace  ;  all  others  follow. 
I  believe  that  if  a  Junior  were  to  walk  down 
town  with  a  saucepan  on  his  head,  half  of  the 


College  Chaps* 

Sophs  and  Freshies  would  be  following  in  two 
days,  —  provided  they  could  get  the  pan, — 
so  you  can  see  what  a  hold  we  have  on  every 
thing  that  pertains  to  style. 

At  our  Fall  banquet  we  had  the  finest 
spread  that  has  been  seen  here  since  the  flood. 
It  taxed  us  ten  simoleons  per,  and  the  whole 
layout  had  heavy  heads  in  the  morning.  De 
Vere,  who  responded  to  the  sentiment,  "  Old 
Times,"  is  a  room-mate  of  mine.  His  speech 
was  pronounced  worthy  of  Joe  Choate.  He 
reminds  me  of  Joe  in  many  ways.  De  Vere 
is  a  great  fellow  for  having  the  ladies  on  the 
string.  He  is  a  perfect  beau  ideal  of  a  chap. 
They  do  say  (on  dif)  that  he  is  engaged  to 
thirty-two  girls  now.  You  ought  to  see  our 
room.  It  is  beautifully  decorated  with  tro 
phies  of  the  chase.  A  regular  bower  of  ring 
lets  and  capes  and  feathers  aud  handkerchiefs 
and  lace,  and  furbelows  of  all  sorts.  And 
there  are  photos  of  girls  from  Maine  to  Peru. 
I  don't  know  how  De  Vere  gets  them.  If  he 
wasn't  a  Junior  he  couldn't  be  such  a  con 
queror.  By  the  way,  De  Vere  has  been  a 
Junior  two  years ;  that  accounts  for  his  being 
such  a  heavy  swell  among  the  ladies,  I  guess, 


College  Chaps* 

—  a  sort  of  ground-swell,  —  as  Professor  Banks 
calls  them.  Lots  of  fellows  remain  Juniors 
two  years  just  for  that  purpose.  I  have  not 
yet  decided  whether  I  shall  do  it  or  not.  It 
is  considered  quite  a  coup  de  grace. 

We  Juniors  pay  more  attention  to  French 
than  anything  else.  We  have  more  use  for  it 
in  society,  you  know ;  and  then  some  of  the 
girls  down  town  won't  let  a  fellow  talk  sweet 
to  them  unless  he  does  it  in  French.  In  order 
to  become  proficient  in  this  line  we  have 
organized  among  the  Juniors  several  little 
je  t'aime  clubs  ;  and  AVC  are  making  rapid 
progress.  You  need  not  be  surprised  if  you 
hear  of  my  engagement  before  the  year  is  out. 
There  are  many  girls  here,  but  I  have  not 
decided  which  to  marry.  A.  man  is  not  con 
sidered  a  proficient  Junior  if  he  winds  up  the 
year  without  being  engaged  at  least  once. 
Harkley  did  it  in  '90,  and  he  never  came  back 
for  his  Senior  year.  This  may  seem  a  queer 
go,  but  it  is  an  unwritten  law  in  the  institu 
tion.  I  think  I  shall  brace  De  Vere  for  one 
of  his,  —  he  has  several  to  spare. 

I  have  bolted  that  organization  I  joined 
when  I  was  a  Soph,  the  "  Eveites,"  because  I 
35 


College  Chaps. 

find  that  it  is  composed  of  only  rude  Juniors 
and  a  few  Sophs.  All  of  the  swell  fellows 
bolt  when  they  become  Juniors.  But  instead 
I  have  been  invited  to  join  either  of  the  two 
rival  societies  for  Juniors,  —  the  "  I>,"  or  the 
«  G."  ;  and  I  shall  probably  hit  the  «  G."  They 
have  the  finest  set,  and  there's  nothing  like 
having  a  seat  in  the  Grandstand. 

You  ought  to  see  my  translation  of  a  famous 
French  poem  in  the  Mag.  last  month.  It  was 
pronounced  the  best  thing  yet  done  by  a  Junior 
in  French.  I  shall  send  it  to  the  Figaro  ; 
that's  a  French  paper,  you  know.  I  have  about 
decided  that  1  shall  go  into  literature  when  I 
graduate.  I  have  a  taste  for  that,  and  it  is 
such  an  independent  life.  The  Juniors  do  all 
the  writing  for  the  Mag.  Xow  and  then  a 
Senior  discourses  on  Greek  Roots  and  Herbs, 
or  something  of  the  sort.  Junior  life  is  easy. 
There  is  so  much  dofce  fur  nieiite  about  it. 
We  claim  to  have  more  real  culture  in  our 
Class  than  there  is  in  any  other ;  the  men  do 
not  go  in  for  deep  and  thoughtful  scholarship. 
or  for  the  frivolities  of  the  lower  classmen  ; 
but  we  rather  aim  to  conform  to  the  time,  the 
beautiful,  and  the  good.  We  desire  to  decorate 
36 


College  Chaps. 

ourselves  with  those  things  which  go  toward 
ornamenting  life  and  making  existence  less 
monotonous.  Like  Plato,  we  wish  a  being  all 
harmony.  As  Juniors  we  hold  that  it  is  more 
delightful  to  know  how  to  propose  to  a  girl 
decently  than  to  know  how  to  decline  a  Greek 
noun  properly ;  it  is  more  important  to  know 
how  to  hold  a  young  lady  in  a  waltz  than  to 
hold  communion  with  Horace  through  the 
medium  of  the  Fable  of  the  City  Mouse  and 
the  Country  Mouse.  That  we  are  ardent  and 
chivalrous  in  our  conduct  toward  the  ladies,  — 
cel< i  va  sans  dire.  A  boring  Latin  exercise  is 
not  in  it  with  a  catchy  billet-doux. 

I  have  become  quite  an  expert  at  whist. 
We  have  our  weekly  meeting  in  Cranch's 
room,  —  Cranch  is  from  Oregon,  and  is  con 
sidered  the  finest  French  scholar  and  whist 
player  in  College.  We  also  have  another 

weekly  meeting  at  the  house  of    Col.  X , 

who  happens  to  have  five  very  attractive 
daughters.  ])e  Vere  rushes  one  of  them.  W'e 
read  two  plays  a  week  in  the  Parlez-vous  Club, 
which  is  very  exclusive.  A  movement  is  on 
foot  to  organize  a  new  club  in  the  Junior  Lite 
rary  Department,  known  as  "  The  Singers  of 


College  Chaps* 

the  Twentieth  Century,"  into  which  no  one 
will  be  admitted  who  is  not  a  poet  of  recog 
nized  ability.  There  will  not  be  more  than 
five  in  this  at  most,  and  I  shall  undoubtedly 
be  the  Alexander  of  the  situation. 

Below  you  will  find  a  little  poem  that  I 
scratched  off  one  day  last  week  in  the  Latin 
class  to  keep  myself  from  going  asleep,  —  the 
Prof,  is  so  dull. 


Fair,  with  locks  of  glistening  gold, 

And  teeth  like  pearl, 

This  gem  of  a  girl, 

Not  half  has  e'er  been  told. 

Sweet,  the  temper  of  a  dove, 
In  pensive  mood, 
She  coyly  stood, — 
Could  I  but  call  her  love. 

Shy,  she  quickly  glanced 

Upon  poor  me ; 

I  dare  not  flee, 

Abashed,  I  stood  entranced. 


I  only  send  this  as    a   sample   of    what   I 
can  do.     That,  of  course,  is  not  my  best.     I 

38 


College  Chaps. 

am  studying  hard,  and  expect  to  make  all  of 
my  Intermediates. 

Love  to  all.     Bon  jour, 

Votre  fils, 

F.    SOMEBVILLE    MOORE. 

P.  S.  —  Would   your  honor    sight   draft  on 
Dec.  2d  for  thirty  dollars  ?     Answer. 

F.  S.  M. 


A.  LETTER  FROM  A  YOUNG   MAN   TO 

HIS    FATHER    THREE    MONTHS 

AFTER   ENTERING   UPON 

HIS   SENIOR   YEAR. 


ti 


A  LETTER  FROM  A  YOUNG  MAN  TO 
HIS  FATHER  THREE  MONTHS 
AFTER  ENTERING  UPON  HIS 
SENIOR  YEAR. 

Respected  Sir,  —  As  Shakespere  is  wont  to 
say,  "  a  se'en-night  hath  elapsed  since  thy 
welcome  note  did  come."  It  found  me  well, 
yea,  even  robust.  Three-fourths  of  the  course, 
have  I  traversed,  and  now  the  glory  of  the 
Senior  hath  burst  upon  me.  Its  effulgent 
rays  blinded  me  at  first ;  but  realizing  that  I, 
too,  was  an  asteroid  in  the  firmament,  I  gazed 
without  trepidation  upon  the  matchless  sights 
that  I  saw.  This  profundity  of  things  appals 
me.  I  grow  weary  of  life,  but  the  music  of 
the  spheres  doth  cause  my  cares  to  flee  like 
dew  before  the  dawn. 

I  presume  you  saw  my  essay  in  the  "Orient" 
on  the  "  Oneness  of  the  Twoness,  or  the  Frozen 
Soul."  I  do  not  believe  in  this  thing  that  men 
call  love.  That  may  do  for  Freshmen,  even 
for  Juniors,  —  but  for  a  philosopher,  —  well, 
chacun  a  son  (/out. 

43 


College  Chaps. 

I  have  just  finished  reading  a  novel  by 
Showells,  who  is  considered  a  good  writer  by 
the  hoi  polloi ;  but  I  regard  his  effort  as  the 
merest  .Dosh.  Were  I  idle  now  to  turn  my 
attention  to  novel  writing  he  fain  would  stop. 
Human  tastes  are  now  depraved ;  the  world  is 
out  of  joint.  My  views  may  seem  pessimistic, 
but  the  circumstances  bear  me  out. 

Xo,  I  rarely  see  Miss  Bangs  now.  She  is 
entirely  too  frivolous  and  shallow-brained  for 
me.  As  I  grow  older,  I  become  less  and  less 
susceptible  to  the  charms  of  woman.  I  fancy 
about  one  woman  of  every  two  hundred  and 
forty  that  I  meet ;  this  is  an  extravagant  pro 
portion.  Last  Sunday  I  met  a  young  lady 
who  had  graduated  at  Yassar,  and  afterward 
studied  abroad  seven  years.  She  interested 
me  for  five  minutes,  though  I  was  slightly 
bored  at  the  fourth  minute.  We  discussed 
Heredity  in  Red  Ants,  but  she  knew  very 
little  about  the  subject.  I  have  yet  to  find 
ono  who  can  discourse  successfully  on  the 
Cheek  cf  the  Gauls  ;  they  all  get  it  mixed  up 
with  Samson  and  the  Philistines  and  the  High 
wayman's  Mule,  and  other  subjects  which  are 
akin,  but  not  identical. 
44 


College  Chaps 

I  am  rooming  with  Nor  walk  of  Kansas,  a 
brainy  fellow.  His  specialty  is  Chemistry. 
He  is  fitting  himself  to  be  a  Professor  of  "16 
to  1  "  in  a  Western  University.  His  thesis 
for  graduation  will  be,  —  "  The  Bearing  of 
Herodotus  on  the  Question  of  llatio." 

Yes,  I  occasionally  write  poetry  now.  Below 
you  will  find  a  bit  of  verse  upon  which  I  was 
at  work  three  months  — 

Yes, 

No  ; 

Pale  azure  sky  : 

Death, 

Life, 

Why  should  I  die  '.' 

It  matters  not, 

God  ana  wot  — 

Chaos,  despair,  mystery,  — 

Philadelphia, 

Be  it  so. 

I  would  fain  be  remembered  to  the  loved 
ones  at  home.  Indite  me  thy  thoughts  when 
opportunity  doth  come  to  thee.  Some  day  I 
shall  rest  among  the  stars. 

With  reluctance  I  say,  Vale. 

F.  S.  MOOKE. 


45 


A   LETTER   FROM   A   FATHER    TO 

HIS    SON. 


47 


A  LETTER  FROM  A  FATHER  TO  HIS 

SON. 

Dear  Fred,  —  I  have  y'rs  of  5th.  inst. 
You  say  you  are  taking  Math.  Lat.  Chem. 
His.  Bones,  and  Calico.  Good,  don't  take  any 
thing  worse.  Your  report  is  reed.  It  re 
minds  me  of  the  Weather  Reports ;  when  in 
doubt,  predict  Fair.  My  rheumatism  is  giv 
ing  me  the  devil.  Your  mother  is  knitting  you 
a  chest  protector.  If  you  don't  stop  drawing 
on  me  every  ten  days  my  chest  will  need  one. 
Why  don't  you  do  your  respirating  with  your 
own  chest  ?  Enclosed  find  check  for  $25. 
Try  and  make  this  last  until  to-morrow  night. 
The  weather  is  beastly.  I  suppose  you  will 
come  down  to  see  us  Christinas.  Bring  some 
of  your  friends;  from  your  glowing  accounts 
I  should  like  to  have  a  look. 

So  you  have  joined  the  Pi  Eta's?  I  am  not 
up  to  that  sort  of  snuff,  but  I  guess  it  is  on 
the  order  of  the  Odd  Fellows;  they  have  a 
goat,  dues,  etc.  How  much  money  do  you  want 
to  keep  that  up  ? 

49 


College  Chaps* 

Your  handwriting  is  fierce.  Don't  they 
teach  handwriting  up  there  ?  They  should  if 
they  don't.  If  you  don't  improve  I  shall  have 
to  send  you  a  stenographer  in  self-defense. 

We  had  a  fire  last  night  on  oth  Street,  next 
to  Mr.  Boggs'.  Your  Uncle  Robert  assisted 
the  firemen  nobly,  as  he  usually  does.  He 
stood  on  the  fire  escape  of  the  Opera  House 
and  shouted  orders  to  the  Chief  until  they 
turned  the  hose  on  him.  The  last  I  saw  of 
him  he  was  in  charge  of  an  officer  going 
toward  the  station  house.  He  doesn't  deserve 
bail. 

William  has  broken  his  arm  in  the  same 
place  that  you  broke  yours,  and  up  the  same 
tree.  Strange  to  say,  he  was  disobeying  the 
same  orders.  Inasmuch  as  I  did  this  about 
thirty-five  years  ago,  I  guess  there  must  be 
some  sort  of  heredity  about  it.  He  is  getting 
along  very  cheerfully  under  the  circumstances, 
and  is  congratulating  himself  upon  the  fact 
that  he  won't  have  to  attend  school  for  six 
weeks. 

I  hope  you  can  make  an  orator  of  yourself. 
It  is  a  great  thing  nowadays  to  be  able  to 
touch  the  multitudes.  I  never  was  much  of  a 
50 


College  Chaps. 

hand  at  it.  Time  was  when  I  could  roll  off 
the  "  Wreck  of  the  Hesperus/'  but  I  fully 
recovered. 

Don't  be  too  strong  on.  dancing  the  German. 
That  goes  for  a  while  ;  but  it  is  like  olive  oil,  — 
a  trifle  over  the  required  amount  makes  you 
sick.  I  believe  in  having  a  good  time ;  but 
all  play  and  no  work  makes  Jack  unavailable 
in  the  business  world,  and  earns  him  no  salary. 
Fondly, 

YOUR  FATHER. 


51 


A     LETTER     FROM     A     FATHER     TO 

HIS    SON   UPON   RECEIVING   AN 

ITEMIZED    BILL    FOR    THE 

CLOTHING    OF   THE 

LATTER. 


53 


A  LETTER  FROM  A  FATHER  TO  HIS 
SOX  UPOX  RECEIVING  AX  ITEM 
IZED  BILL  FOR  THE  CLOTHING 
OF  THE  LATTER. 

Kensington, ,  Jan,  5,  1901. 

My  dear  Fred,  —  The  account  of  Stokes  and 
Co.  came  to-day.  As  you  say,  it  speaks  for 
itself.  Does  every  man  have  his  own  tailor, 
or  do  two  or  three  of  you  club  in  and  support 
one?  If  I  was  only  a  tailor  at  Knicks'  Col 
lege  !  Two  hundred  and  eighty -three  dollars 
in  four  months  !  why,  that's  almost  as  bad  as 
your  mother.  A  Tuxedo,  forty  dollars  ;  that's 
funny.  I  thought  a  Tuxedo  was  a  kind  of 
dog,  something  like  an  Irish  Setter.  An  over 
coat,  $45.00 ;  an  overcoat,  $28.00  ;  an  over 
coat,  $16.00.  Now  I  see  why  I  have  to  wear 
the  one  your  Uncle  George  gave  me  last  De 
cember,  two  years  ago.  A  "  sweater,"  $8.00  ; 
yes,  it  makes  a  fellow  sweat  at  long  range.  A 
silk  hat,  $8.00 !  I  imagine  you  purchased  that 
55 


College  Chaps* 

to  take  part  in  the  theatricals  ;  surely  you 
don't  intend  to  wear  anything  of  the  sort  in 
public.  A  man  has  to  be  more  than  rash  to 
wear  one  under  his  fortieth  year.  Your  mother 
remarked  that  she  presumes  you  have  worn 
yours  over  two  (y)ears.  This  sentiment  is 
not  mine;  that  sort  of  thing  didn't  run  in  my 
family. 

Glancing  down  the  line  I  see  a  golf  suit,  a 
riding  suit,  a  yachting  suit  (in  a  town  situated 
on  the  Dee  Dee),  a  foot-ball  suit,  a  running 
suit,  a  walking  suit,  a  ping-pong  suit,  a  smok- 
ing-jacket,  a  bath  robe  (so  you  bathe  in  a 
a  robe),  a  red  waistcoat  (God  save  the  mark !), 
and  a  fez.  Interpret  the  fez.  I  associate 
that  with  the  Sultan  of  Morocco  and  such. 
Have  you  a  studying  suit  ?  If  so,  where 
did  you  get  it  ?  Your  tailor  has  omitted 
it ;  you  had  better  call  his  attention  to  this. 
If  this  bill  grows  any,  your  respected  cutter 
will  have  to  resort  to  a  lawsuit  to  get  his 
money. 

The  spring  is  coming  on  now,  and  I  presume 
you  will  have  to  stock  up  again.  Let  me  an 
ticipate.  You  will  need  an  arbutus  suit,  a 
mosquito  suit,  a  bathing  suit,  a  rowing  suit,  a 
50 


College  Chaps* 

climbing  suit,  an  ice-cream  suit,  a  lawn-party 
suit,  a  pale-ale  suit,  and  many  others.  Give 
them  all  away  before  you  reach  home. 

You  modestly  ask  for  fifty  dollars,  —  for 
chocolate  creams,  I  opine.  I  send  a  hundred, 
—  b.iy  some  popcorn. 

You  are  going  to  Xew  York  for  your  eyes. 
Then  I  guess  you  will  naturally  need  an  eye 
suit.  Get  it.  Your  mother  is  strong  on  your 
being  up  to  date.  In  keeping  you  up  to  date 
I  have  to  keep  from  thirty  to  sixty  days  from 
date.  There  is  one  thing  to  be  thankful  for, 
I  see  no  mention  of  any  Breach-of-Promise 
suits.  How  is  this  ? 

Elizabeth  does  not  buy  many  suits  at  Vas- 
sar,  but  she  makes  frequent  plunges  at  the 
cash  box.  I  have  an  idea  she  throws  her 
money  into  the  Hudson.  She  is  engaged  to  a 
young  fellow  from  Chicago,  so  she  writes  us, 
and  his  name  is  Arthur.  We  naturally  hear 
a  good  bit  about  Arthur.  I  hope  he  can  trot 
at  his  advertised  speed. 

We  are  all  very  well.     Your  mother  is  out 

to-night  attending  a  mothers'  meeting.     She  is 

reading  a  paper  on  "  Economy  in  the  Family." 

I  should  like  to  hear  it.     I  am  going  to  ask 

57 


College  Chaps* 

her  to  get  up  one  on  "  How  to  Cut  a  Tailor's 
Bill  in  Two." 

Work  hard  and  make  a  man  of  yourself ; 
don't  trust  the  tailors  :  it  takes  nine  of  them 
to  make  a  man. 

Fondly  yours, 

YOUR  FATHER. 


58 


A  LETTEE  FROM  A  FATHER  TO   HIS 

SON   WHO   HAS   BEEN   ELECTED 

PRESIDENT   OF   THE   FINAL 

BALL  AT   COLLEGE. 


59 


A  LETTER  FROM  A  FATHER  TO  HIS 
SON  WHO  HAS  BEEN  ELECTED 
PRESIDENT  OF  THE  FINAL  BALL 
AT  COLLEGE. 

Kensington,  Jan.  22,  1901. 

Dear  Fred,  —  We  received  the  news  by  wire 
last  Tuesday.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  we 
are  in  the  wildest  sort  of  delirium  over  the 
result  of  the  contest.  This  is  the  greatest 
thing  that  has  ever  happened  to  any  of  the 
Barkers.  At  first  I  did  not  understand  what 
it  was  all  about ;  but  since  your  mother  ex 
plained  it  to  me,  and  your  sister  Lucy  added 
running  commentaries  thereto,  I  think  I  have 
caught  on,  and  I  am  proud  of  you. 

To  think  that  my  son  —  Sam  Barker's  boy 
—  should  lead  the  terpischorian  hosts  to  vic 
tory  or  death  on  a  merry  evening  in  June, 
with  the  thermometer  at  102  in  the  dark,  to 
the  inspiring  strains  of  "  Ev'ry  Nigger  Had  a 
llaglan  On " ;  to  imagine  my  whileom  tow- 
headed,  freckle-faced,  stone-bruiser  in  the 
61 


College  Chaps« 

shining  shoes,  the  claw-hammer  coat,  and  the 
abbreviated  waistcoat,  gliding  down  the  pol 
ished  floor,  while  the  chaperones  sit  on  the 
sidelines  and  poke  fun  at  his  partner's  aigret. 

You  mentioned  the  fact  that  it  will  be  a  led 
poudre.  I  attended  a  led  poudre  at  Gettys 
burg  once,  and  we  had  plenty  of  both  there. 
We  did  not  use  the  same  sort  of  lal  •  and 
there  was  a  slight  difference  in  the  quality  of 
the  poudre.  But  we  capered. 

I  presume  you  will  use  your  logic  and  your 
calculus  in  these  manoeuvres.  Are  the  profes 
sors  supposed  to  take  part  in  the  festivities  ? 

I  note  you  are  going  to  attend  with  Miss 
Pepsie  Beaman  of  Pittsburg,  the  daughter  of 
the  Iron  King ;  and  I  also  infer  from  your 
letter  that  you  are  very  fond  of  her.  Keep 
that  up ;  it's  the  best  thing  you  have  done  so 
far.  I  invested  in  iron  once  and  lost.  You 
must  make  good. 

If  you  take  my  advice  you  will  fight  shy  of 
chafing-dish  parties.  I  used  to  go  to  them 
when  I  was  a  young  man ;  and  now  the  extent 
of  my  dissipation  in  the  ruminating  line  is  a 
few  stale  crackers  soaked  in  a  quart  of  warm 
niilk,  with  a  little  oat  gruel  about  every  third 
62 


College  Chaps. 

Tuesday.  The  sight  of  turkey  drives  me 
mad ;  and  I  have  twice  attempted  suicide  at 
a  glimpse  of  corned  beef  and  cabbage  which  I 
could  not  touch.  Put  this  in  your  Solemn 
Column  :  When  a  man's  appetite  gives  out  be 
fore  his  money  does,  this  world  is  no  Paradise. 

You  seem  to  be  in  your  proper  sphere,— 
football,  baseball,  and  finally  the  Final  Ball. 
Cut  out  the  high  balls.  The  university  should 
run  smoothly ;  it  seems  to  be  ball-bearing 
throughout. 

You  ask  how  much  money  I  can  spare. 
That  isn't  the  question.  It's  too  late  to  begin 
that  way  now.  I  am  not  compromising  my 
self.  How  much  do  you  want  ?  I  know  that 
Final  Ball  is  going  to  roll  them  up  ;  so  don't 
be  modest,  but  fire  your  eight-pounders.  Your 
mother  tells  me  that  in  order  to  relieve  the 
strain  on  me  she  is  going  to  send  you  some 
money  shortly.  She  has  not  asked  me  for  it 
as  yet,  so  I  can't  say  how  much  it  will  be. 

Everybody  is  well  except  your  sister  Maude. 
She  has  the  matinee  fever ;  and  she  talks  about 
Hackett  in  her  sleep.  We  are  not  doing  any 
thing  for  it.  Fondly, 

YOUR  FATHER. 
63 


A  LETTER  FROM   A  YOUNG  MAN   TO 
HIS      FATHER      THREE      MONTHS 
AFTER  ASSUMING  THE  PRIN- 
CIPALSHIP  OF  THE  RAIN- 
BURG    HIGH    SCHOOL. 


65 


A  LETTER  FROM  A  YOUNG  MAN  TO 
HIS  FATHER  THREE  MONTHS 
AFTER  ASSUMING  THE  PRINCI- 
PALSHIP  OF  THE  RAINBURG 
HIGH  SCHOOL. 

Eainburg, ,  Dec.  15,  1901. 

My  dear  Father, —  If  you  will  forgive  all 
of  the  foolish  things  I  have  said  and  done  I 
will  tell  you  a  secret.  I  have  at  last  come  to 
the  conclusion  that  I  do  not  know  enough  to 
boil  an  egg.  Time  was  when  the  world  was 
mine,  but  that  same  time  is  a  "  Great  Healer." 

Six  months  ago  I  graduated  with  honors, 
A.B.,  B.  Lit.,  acres  of  Sheepskin,  etc.,  a  happy 
boy.  If  there  ever  was  a  mortal  on  earth  who 
knew  more  than  I  did,  or  quite  as  much,  he  had 
not  at  that  time  put  in  his  appearance.  The 
mysteries  of  Horace,  of  Euclid,  of  Pestalozzi, 
of  the  Cerebellum,  and  the  neatly  soldered 
Anglo-Saxon  sentences  were  all  familiar  to 
me.  I  was  able  to  say  fluently,  "  Et,  tu, 
Brute,"  and  «  Der  Wolf  ist  Tot,"  and  "  Apres 
67 


College  Chaps. 

vous,  Monsieur,"  and  "  God  ana  wot,"  and 
"  Pass  the  Growley,"  and  with  equal  ease  give 
all  of  the  yells,  including  the  weird  peal  of 
the  "  Populi  Surmises."  With  my  intricate 
knowledge  of  Chemistry  I  was  even  able  to 
analyze  some  of  the  queer  dishes  we  used  to 
be  introduced  to  in  the  Mess  Hall.  The 
thought  that  I  should  ever  strike  a  snag  was 
beyond  the  stars.  When  I  appeared  it  would 
be  the  old  racket,  "  Veni,  vidi,  vici."  But  I 
believe  not. 

I  began  my  work  up  here  with  a  flourish. 
For  the  first  three  days  my  pupils  wondered 
at  my  great  knowledge  of  things  in  general, 
and  then  they  spat  on  their  hands  and  began 
asking  me  questions  I  had  never  heard  of; 
and  I  have  not  caught  up  yet.  The  latest  in 
the  way  of  a  poser  is  "  Who  Adam's  Sons 
married  ?  "  If  you  can  get  hold  of  this  in 
formation  anywhere,  please  send  it  to  me ;  for 
my  professional  reputation  is  at  stake,  or  at 
the  stake,  whichever  you  prefer.  I  also  have 
another  which  was  handed  me  by  a  member 
of  the  School  Board  about  six  weeks  ago,  and 
I  have  been  putting  him  off  with  headaches 
and  Teachers'  Meetings  ever  since.  The  ques- 
68 


College  Chaps. 

tion  is  :  "  How  much  lard  will  a  hog  yield 
that  measures  eighty-two  inches  around  the 
girth  ?  "  It  was  taken  from  the  "  Grangers' 
Primer."  It  is  this  way  all  the  time.  Some 
days  I  get  only  ten  of  these,  and  other  days  I 
get  from  sixty  to  eighty -five.  And  I  have  to 
address  Temperance  Meetings,  and  speak  at 
Tournaments,  and  play  Prince  Charming  in 
the  Beauty  and  the  Beast  shows,  and  teach  a 
class  of  young  ladies  in  Sunday  School,  and 
make  myself  agreeable  to  the  old  maids,  and 
attend  sociables  that  are  dryer  than  the  month 
of  September,  and  remember  the  names  of  all 
the  young  ones  in  school,  and  say  nice  things 
to  their  parents  about  them.  It  is  wearing 
me  down  at  the  rate  of  a  pound  per  day. 

The  besetting  sin  of  a  majority  of  my  boys 
is  reading  "  Huckleberry  Finn."  The  one 
copy  is  in  great  demand.  Xext  to  "  Huck  "  I 
should  place  the  absorbing  pastime  of  har 
nessing  "  jacksnappers."  Then  when  times  are 
dull,  and  they  cannot  go  out  doors  to  play,  the 
Committee  on  Bother  teases  Lillian  Pokeberry  ; 
Lillian  cries,  and  I  have  to  pet  her ;  this  is 
pleasant  (in  the  negative). 

Possibly  the  most  interesting  features  of  the 
6<J 


College  Chaps* 

work  are  the  bi-weekly  visits  of  the  Trustees. 
The  average  school  Trustee  is  so  "  childlike 
and  bland."  He  does  not  know  an  algebraic 
equation  from  a  packsaddle ;  but  he  is  a  good 
judge  of  teachers.  They  come  in,  and  wisely 
watch  the  class  in  Latin  recite,  and  then  go 
out  and  wonder  what  good  it  is  going  to  do 
the  young  idea.  (From  my  knowledge  of  a 
few  of  the  young  idea,  I  often  wonder  myself.) 

Yet  there  is  great  consolation  in  looking 
wise,  and  having  people  ask  your  opinion 
about  things,  and  being  invited  up  on  the 
stage  at  public  gatherings,  and  being  talked 
about  (?).  I  sometimes  feel  that  it  would 
be  the  finest  thing  imaginable  if  I  could  get 
away,  out  in  the  field,  several  miles  from  any 
where,  and  yell  two  or  three  times,  and  kick 
iip  generally.  This  perpetual  dignity  wears 
one  out. 

Shall  I  teach  next  year  ?  Well,  hardly.  Do 
I  want  to  get  home  again  ?  With  a  vengeance. 
I  want  some  one  to  slap  me  on  the  back  and 
call  me  "Fred."  This  persistent  "  Mr.  Moore  " 
or  "  Professor  "  is  dreadful  on  the  nerves. 

With  love  to  all,  I  am,  your  dutiful  son, 
FRED.   SOMEKVILLE  MOORE. 


A     LETTER     FROM    A     YOUNG     MAN 

TO     HIS    FATHER,    ANNOUNCING 

HIS    ENGAGEMENT    TO    MISS 

MYRTLE     FLIRT     OF   THE 

ORIENTAL     OPERA 

COMPANY. 


71 


•s- 


IX    LOVE    WITH    THE    DEAREST    GIKL    IN    THE    WHOLE 
WIDE    WOULD. 


A  LETTER  FROM  A  YOUNG  MAN  TO 
HIS  FATHER,  ANNOUNCING  HIS 
ENGAGEMENT  TO  MISS  MYRTLE 
FLIRT  OF  THE  ORIENTAL  OPERA 
COMPANY. 

Bailway, ,  Feb.  15,  1902. 

Dear  Papa,  —  I  have  a  piece  of  news  that 
I  must  tell  you,  although  I  know  you  will  be 
surprised.  For  some  time  I  have  been  deeply, 
yes,  almost  madly,  in  love  with  the  dearest 
girl  in  the  whole  wide  world.  She  is  the  toe 
dancer  in  the  Oriental  Opera  Company,  but 
the  most  perfect  lady  I  have  ever  known. 
Her  face  is  the  rarest  I  have  ever  set  eyes 
upon,  and  she  dances  divinely. 

I  hear  that  Professor  Bangs  has  written  of 
her  in  disparaging  terms,  and  Doctor  Acorn 
has  advised  you  to  call  me  home  ;  but  I  desire 
to  say  that  I  will  not  be  coerced  in  this  affair. 
It  is  true  I  am  not  quite  of  age ;  but  I  have 
a  mind  of  my  own,  and  I  had  rather  live  on 
a  crust  with  Myrtle  than  live  without  her. 
73 


College  Chaps* 

She  is  my  guiding  star ;  my  queen  of  women  ; 
my  wife  to-be. 

The  first  time  she  saw  me,  she  almost  dis 
dained  to  look  at  me ;  then  I  sought  an  intro 
duction.  She  refused  at  first,  but  finally 
consented.  The  Manager,  Mr.  Coppercrown, 
kindly  presented  me.  I  fell  at  the  first  fire. 
I  persevered.  She  has  consented  to  be  my 
wife.  We  desire  to  be  married  in  October. 
It  is  foolish  to  think  of  my  coming  back  for 
my  Junior  Year.  I  could  not  study.  There 
would  be  hauntings  ;  there  would  be  dreams  ; 
there  would  be  madness.  Tell  mother  she 
must  become  reconciled  to  it. 

Mytle's  Company  is  now  at  Jersey  City, 
where  they  will  remain  two  weeks.  Then 
they  go  to  Emporia,  Kansas.  I  expect  to 
follow  her  as  far  as  Wheeling,  W.  Va. 
After  the  season  is  over  I  shall  visit  her  at 
her  home  in  Sandusky,  Ohio. 

I  have  obeyed  you  thus  far  in  everything. 
Do  not  raise  any  objection  to  this,  or  place 
any  obstacle  in  my  way.  Consider  your  only 
son's  happiness.  If  you  could  but  see  her  I 
know  you,  too,  would  fall  in  love  with  her  at 
once. 

74 


College  Chaps* 

I  have  drawn  on  you  for  $100.  I  am  in 
urgent  need  of  money.  Myrtle  dares  to  send 
love.  I  have  had  to  drop  my  Mathematics  on 
account  of  my  eyes.  I  leave  to-night  for 
Jersey  City. 

Write  at  once ;  and  withhold  not  your 
approval.  It  is  life  or  death  to  me.  Affec 
tionately  yours, 

Your  son, 

AUGUSTUS  S.  PAINE. 


75 


A  11EPLY  TO  THE  LETTER  OF  AUGUS 
TUS  INFORMING  HIS  FATHER  OF 
HIS   ENGAGEMENT  TO  MISS 
MYRTLE    FLIRT    OF   THE 
ORIENTAL    OPERA 
COMPANY. 


77 


A  REPLY  TO  THE  LETTER  OF  AUGUS 
TUS  INFORMING  HIS  FATHER 
OF  HIS  ENGAGEMENT  TO  MISS 
MYRTLE  FLIRT  OF  THE  ORIENTAL 
OPERA  COMPANY. 

Washington,  D.C.,  Feb.  17,  1902. 

Dear  Gus,  —  Your  interesting  piece  of  news 
is  with  us.  For  some  time  I  have  slowly,  but 
surely,  suspected  that  you  were  troubled  in 
this  way.  I  suffered  in  the  same  way  when  I 
was  at  College ;  and  my  father  knew  just  how 
to  treat  it.  I  am  sure  the  object  of  your  affec 
tions  is  a  dream.  My  experience  with  Toe 
Dancers  has  been  confined  to  viewing  them 
from  C  Row  B  105,  but  I  am  for  them  every 
time.  I  hear  they  draw  about  three  hundred 
dollars  per  week.  I  have  been  thinking  about 
an  advantageous  match  of  this  sort  for  you  for 
some  time.  Marry  her  by  all  means.  While 
she  dances  on  her  toes  you  can  rest  on  your 
heels. 

I  have  been  asking  about  her ;  and  I  find 
79 


College  Chaps* 

that  Tom  Collins  knows  her.  He  says  she 
was  born  near  his  town  in  1862.  That  isn't 
so  bad  if  her  toes  show  no  signs  of  giving  out. 
Did  you  know  she  was  a  widow  ?  Her  first 
husband  fell  off  a  scaffold,  at  Bangor,  about 
twelve  years  ago.  He  was  a  bill-poster. 

Trust  me  for  the  consent.  You  have  it.  I 
believe  in  allowing  boys  their  own  way  in  such 
matters.  You  can  marry  Myrtle  :  you  may 
marry  her.  Pick  out  your  little  spot  of  crust 
and  go  to  housekeeping.  You  will  be  nine 
teen  in  August,  but  you  have  my  full  permis 
sion  to  do  everything  but  vote. 

From  your  own  description  Myrtle  angled 
for  you  with  rare  decision.  I  presume  she 
knows  that  I  am  rated  at  six  figures, 

I  hope  you  and  Myrtle  will  be  happy  on 
your  crust.  Come  around  and  see  us  when 
you  are  one.  Have  you  asked  Myrtle's  papa 
for  her  ?  or  will  you  be  romantic  and  elope  ? 

Tell  Myrtle  when  you  see  her  that  I  am 
anxious  to  see  her  in  the  family.  I  am  going 
to  divide  the  family  funds  between  Maud  and 
Lucy.  You  will  have  Myrtle. 

Enclosed  find  check  for  $100.00.  Stop 
drawing.  You  already  know  enough  mathe- 
80 


College  Chaps 

matics  to  call  for  what  you  want.     No  calcu 
lus  for  that. 

Business  is  very  dull.  I  lost  $65,000  on 
corn  last  week.  Tennessee  Iron  has  put  me 
in  for  it  to  the  tune  of  $40,000.  I  endorsed 
for  your  Uncle  George,  and  had  to  make  good 
to  the  extent  of  $150,000.  I  have  had  to  sell 
two  horses.  But  enough  of  this.  When  you 
marry  Myrtle  she  will  take  care  of  us. 
Fondly  yours, 

YOUR  FATHER. 


81 


A     LETTER     FROM     MISS     MYRTLE 
FLIRT  TO  MR.   AUGUSTUS  PAINE. 


83 


A      LETTER       FROM     MISS      MYRTLE 
FLIRT    TO    MR.   AUGUSTUS   PAINE. 

Sandusky,  Ohio,  April,  1902. 

My  dear  Mr.  Paine,  — •  I  herewith  return 
you  your  letters.  I  think  it  is  best  that  the 
affair  should  end  here.  You  were  very,  very 
sweet  to  me ;  and  I  shall  never,  never  forget 
it,  but  I  cannot  marry  you.  It  was  never  in 
tended.  Perhaps  some  day  you  will  find  an 
other  girl  who  will  love  you  dearly  and  make 
you  happy.  As  I  regard  you  as  one  of  my 
best  friends,  I  must  tell  you  of  my  engage 
ment  to  Mr.  Horace  Hilterbocker  of  New 
York.  He  is  from  one  of  the  old  families  ; 
and  his  father  has  lately  been  very,  very 
strong  on  wheat.  He  is  a  dear  fellow.  I 
shall  be  glad  to  see  you  at  our  home  in  New 
York. 

Sincerely  yours, 

MYKTLE  FLIRT. 


85 


THE    DIAKY    OF    A    DISAPPOINTED 

YOUNG  MAN   WHO   HAS   FAILED 

ON   HIS   EXAMINATIONS 

DURING   THE   FOUR 

DAYS   OF   THE 

FINALS. 


87 


iVAS    TOASTMASTKK. 


THE  DIARY  OF  A  DISAPPOINTED 
YOUNG  MAN  WHO  HAS  FAILED 
OX  HIS  EXAMINATIONS  DURING 
THE  FOUR  DAYS  OF  THE 

FINALS. 

June  19th.  This  morning  the  Senior  Club 
held  forth.  Rot,  pure,  unadulterated  rot.  I 
stood  it  as  long  as  my  nerves  would  bear  the 
strain,  and  then  went  out  and  dug  artichokes. 
I  did  not  apply  for  a  degree  this  year,  because 
I  wanted  to  escape  affiliating  with  that  mob. 
That  pudding-head  Wolder  tried  to  tell  what 
he  knew  about  the  Philippine  Question,  and 
he  really  knew  less  about  it  than  Billy  Mason. 

Then  came  the  Class  Poem,  which  I  regard 
as  base  plagiarism  of 

"  Eenie,  meenie,  minie,  mo, 
Catch  a  nigger  by  his  toe." 

Oh,  there  are  some  shining  lights  in  that 
aggregation  of  wiseacres.  The  Faculty  will 
graduate  about  twelve  of  them.  Well,  I  am 
not  a  student ;  but  if  I  could  not  reflect  more 
89 


College  Chaps. 

credit  on  the  institution  than  the  whole  shoot 
ing-match,  I  would  eat  hay. 

June  20th.  To-night  the  George  Washington 
Literary  Society  held  its  annual  murdering  of 
the  King's  English.  It  is  needless  to  say  that 
the  headsmen  were  out  with  their  axes 
sharpened.  There  will  not  be  enough  decent 
English  left  to-morrow  to  write  a  composition 
on  "  Why  I  Came  to  College."  Everything 
on  the  programme  was  boldly  seized  from  an 
antediluvian  volume  entitled,  —  "  Cast  Iron 
Jokes  by  Tubal  Cain."  "Curfew"  and 
"  Lochinvar "  also  came  in  for  equal  honors. 
I  waited  patiently  for  the  "  Burial  of  Sir  John 
Moore."  After  the  butchery  there  was  a 
shower  of  medals  ;  and  many  of  the  audience 
had  to  actually  raise  their  umbrellas  to  keep 
from  getting  their  clothing  full.  Oh,  it  was 
fierce !  One  golden-haired  youth  caught  a 
medal  for  improvement  in  debate.  It  must 
have  been  worth  a  dollar  and  a  half  in  the 
upper  gallery  to  see  him  when  he  began.  But 
ad  nauseam. 

June  21st.     To-night  the  "Cap  and  Bell" 
gave   the    greatest   banquet    and   gerrnan    of 
90 


College  Chaps. 

modern  times.  More  than  fifty  couples  were 
out,  and  wine  flowed  like  water.  Swelldom 
was  there  en  masse.  I  was  toastmaster.  All 
of  the  fellows  in  College  worth  knowing  were 
to  be  seen  around  the  festive  board.  AVe  did 
not  have  the  room  full  of  young  Bachelors  of 
Old  Arts,  but  chaps  worth  cultivating  were 
there  in  abundance.  The  menu  would  have 
been  a  revelation  to  Belshazzar;  and  the 
speeches, — there  was  no  "Over  the  Alps 
Lies  Italy,"  but  genuine  wit  of  the  Chauncey 
brand.  Some  of  the  Professors  were  there  by 
special  invitation.  That's  strange ;  they 
always  run  down  the  "  Cap  and  Bell  "  all  the 
session,  but  appear  on  deck  at  a  spread.  After 
hearing  what  they  did  last  night  they  have 
every  reason  to  believe  that  a  man  may  have 
some  sense,  and  still  not  be  able  to  cross  the 
pans  asinorum.  I  retired  at  dawn  with  my 
head  tipping  the  scales  at  four  hundredweight. 

June  22d.  Oh,  what  a  day  this  has 
been !  The  awarding  of  degrees  ;  more  medals, 
scholarships,  certificates,  diplomas,  hot  mush, 
and  other  faculty  gifts,  —  all  in  the  presence 
of  the  Board  of  Trustees.  It  is  amusing  to 
01 


College  Chaps. 

see  them  troop  up  for  these  baubles.  I  cared 
so  little  about  the  things  that  I  did  not  even 
go  up  to  get  mine.  I  had  the  honor  of  being 
the  only  man  in  a  class  of  eighty-nine  to  make 
Botany  ;  but  I  do  not  care  for  such  things. 
Bailway  took  eight  diplomas ;  that  is  good ; 
with  such  number  he  may  be  able  to  hide  his 
ignorance.  After  serving  seven  years  for  his 
Eachael,  Hebers  took  his  A.B.  with  a  satis 
fied  smile. 

But  the  closing  event,  the  capstone,  was  the 
final  ball ;  and  how  it  rolled  this  year !  I 
danced  every  number ;  and  what  is  more, 
with  just  the  girl  for  me.  It  was  the  crown 
ing  day  of  College  life.  How  we  did  whoop 
things  up ! 

To-morrow  I  leave  for  home.  What  kind 
of  a  bluff  must  I  work  on  the  old  man  ?  Bad 
eyes,  I  guess,  just  as  I  did  last  year. 


92 


LETTER  FROM 
THE  FOOT 
BALL  MAN. 

Dear  Billie,  — 
The  foot-ball  sea 
son  is  now  on,  and 
I  am  in  it.  Caesar, 
Cicero,  Pestalozzi, 
and  other  well- 
known  fossils  oc 
cupy  a  back  seat 
at  present.  The 
Binomial  Theorem 
has  to  be  dusted 
every  time  I  use 
it,  which  is  sel 
dom,  quite  seldom. 

The  following  is 
the  day's  pro 
gramme  :  In  the 
morning  I  get  up 
at  live  and  take  a 


College  Chaps, 

cold  bath  in  oatmeal.  Immediately  afterwards 
I  run  four  miles ;  then  comes  a  hearty  breakfast 
of  mushrooms  and  planked  shad.  At  nine  I 
go  to  the  Chemistry  Class  and  cork  on  every 
question.  At  ten  we  have  a  delightful  lun 
cheon  of  paper  collars  and  garlic,  washed  down 
with  a  bucket  of  ale.  Eleven  o'clock  is  the 
hour  for  skipping  Math.,  and  skipping  rope 
ten  minutes.  From  twelve  to  one  we  hop 
around  the  campus  on  one  foot ;  from  one  to 
two  we  hop  around  on  the  other  foot,  and  then 
we  use  both  in  rushing  to  dinner,  which  din 
ner,  by  way  of  review,  consists  of  huckleberry 
quadrants  and  Saratoga  chips.  Our  first  after 
noon  lecture  is  German.  Two  days  in  the 
week  I  jump  this  altogether,  the  remaining 
one  my  toothache  pulls  me  through.  Four 
o'clock  is  the  time  set  for  afternoon  practice. 
In  order  not  to  be  late  for  this  I  have  to  skip 
Literature.  Julius  Caesar  is  on  the  boards  at 
present,  but  he  isn't  as  lively  as  foot-ball.  For 
supper  we  are  allowed  by  our  trainer  a  spoon 
ful  of  beef  tea  and  a  couple  of  jinjer  wafers. 
From  seven  until  nine-thirty  we  study  our  sig 
nals,  which  are  fine  this  year.  I  give  you 
some  of  them : 

94 


College  Chaps. 

2,  4,  6,  8,  Boom,  which  being  interpreted, 
means,  "  Right  guard  break  through  tackle 
and  confiscate  the  eye  teeth  of  the  left  half 
back." 

X-Y-Z,  Turnips,  "Center  Rush  but  left 
guard  in  the  pit  of  the  stomach  and  dislocate 
quarter-back's  jaw." 

Unus,  duo;  tres,  hit  'em,  —  "  Kill  the  right 
end,  and  send  for  the  undertaker." 

And  there  are  many  others  equally  as  good. 

We  haven't  been  beaten  this  year.  We  have 
our  first  game  Avith  B.  &  G.  on  Tuesday,  at 
which  date  we  are  looking  for  something  soft. 

Miss  Fluffy  Bangs  is  working  some  exceed 
ingly  handsome  colors  for  us.  She  is  not 
handsome,  but  quite  stylish. 

My  hair  is  eighteen  inches  long.  "  Bump  " 
Thompkins,  however,  has  the  finest  head  on 
the  team.  He  is  the  envy  of  the  whole  ag 
gregation.  His  bangs  are  five  feet  long,  and 
still  growing.  When  the  season  is  over  he 
will  donate  the  harvest  to  the  faculty  to  make 
cushions  for  the  Chapel  chairs. 
Good-by. 

Yours  all  the  time, 

BOB. 


A     nnn  A  '      """ 


